I had gotten used to the clouds
Casting shadows over my life
And raining down on my dreams
Drenching them until they became so heavy I couldn’t lift them anymore
The crashing of the thunder didn’t startle me like it used to
I remembered I had seen a clear blue sky once
And it was so beautiful and calm
That I had committed it to memory
But that was so long ago I didn’t bother to try and remember the details
Because it hurt too much
I turned my eyes skyward today and I saw it
A brilliant sliver of blue, peeking through the clouds
It was accompanied by something I had never seen or felt before
It warmed my face, my skin, my soul
I watched as the golden rays began to dry my dreams
One by one they expanded and lifted from the ground
Shining in an untapped brilliance
I gathered the dreams together and like a bouquet of helium balloons, I tethered them to one another and used them to carry me skyward
I needed to reach that sliver in the clouds
I needed to push the clouds apart and have my blue sky, my calm
That I’m strong enough to make it through the day
I refuse to let myself crumble
Under the tons of rumble
That with inevitably fall
So I stand tall
I tell myself that I can swim
Tread water till I can pin-
Point that sliver of doubt
Pull it out
And make it through the day
I might actually believe that I’m going to be okay
So as of today, the editing of Unit 17 is finished. Let me tell you, we heaved a huge sigh of relief after that one.
Next on the agenda is ordering a cover and formatting, then after that is a dozen other details…
But we’re trying not to get bogged down, we’ve come so far and the hardest part is over!
The beta reading stage will commence in the coming weeks and if any of you are interested in becoming a beta reader, please let us know in the comments.
We look forward to sharing our first finished work in the near future!
If someone told me when I was twelve
All the things that I know now
I would have shook my head in disbelief
And probably wondered “how?”
In my short twelve years of life
I’d absorbed a thing or two
About all the ways to doubt myself
About all the ways to feel blue
I’d learned to compare myself to others
And scrutinize myself in the mirror
To count calories and fats like a mathlete
I’d learned everything except how to see myself clearer
I’d been conditioned to hate my body
And dislike all the features
I’d listened to our mass media
Shouting from their soapbox like a preacher
It took me years to love myself
And embrace everything I am
To value what I have to give
And lend myself a hand
If I knew at twelve all the things that I know now
I could have saved myself a lot of hurt
I would have tuned out all the noise
And learned to put myself first
We overcome struggles
Just to face new ones
We overcome adversities
Just to face old ones
We overcome to face the world again
There comes a strange jumping off point as a friendship progresses. I’ve walked cautiously up to this point and peered over the edge into the foggy and unclear ravine. The point I’m talking about is assumption.
As a friendship progresses, several assumptions begin to materialize. You begin to think things like: This person likes me too, this person understands me, I know what this person means when they say this. Things like that. They do the same with you as well.
The most frightening assumption is that this person needs you as much as you need them. When you voice your assumption to this person in a way that you open yourself up to rejection, you’re getting somewhere.
It’s extremely easy to think to yourself that this person derives happiness from you, that they care for you equally, but until you voice these thoughts to that person, you will never know if those feelings are reciprocated. Exposing yourself in this way can lead to self-doubt. Suddenly you start thinking things like: What if they don’t feel the same way, what if they think of me differently, what if they think I’m clingy?
The defining point in a friendship is when you put someone else’s needs before your own. When, even though a decision or choice makes you scared, you make it anyway. It’s hard to push past the selfishness that we all feel when it comes to a dear friend. But if a hard choice needs to be made that benefits them, regardless of how it makes you feel, you need to let them know that you support it.
The point that I’m trying to get across in this ramble is that you both need to be exposed to grow. Honesty can be both beautiful and terrifying. Friendship is a living, breathing organism that needs constant attention and a raw diet.
So, I will be completely honest with you guys out there, I have horrible stage fright when it comes to showing my work to other people. Starting this blog with Collins was a huge step for us as writers and for me personally. I’ve always been a writer. Since I could hold a pen, I’ve been creating. In my life I’ve finished quite a few works that have never seen the light of day and probably never will. But, I’ve been playing with this idea separate from my work with Collins that has been itching to get out. It’s influenced by something that was pretty prevalent in my life for a long time, musicians. My father is a musician, performing in a band most of my life. My uncle is a song writer, etc. Now, I am a closet romance fan. Not the harlequin romance that your grandma read, no, I love true to life love stories. Stories that over come odds and allow people to feel. That’s what interests me. So…I wrote one. Well, a piece of one. I’m here to show it to you guys so you can see where I am coming from, what I love. Enjoy.
“We can’t do this.”
“I know…I know but I want to. I need to.”
I shake my head. The beauty of the location were at, paling in comparsion to the beauty I see in him. “You know it isn’t possible, B.” It pains me to say, but I won’t be that girl. I won’t be the one to step into a relationship and shatter it, despite my personal feelings. Do I care about him? Yes. Do I want him? Yes. But not this way, never this way.
He sighs, running his hands through his hair, leaving it in a disarray. “The fact that my life has even come to this, fucking kills me.”
I smile sadly, turning away from him to stare out at the ocean view, surrounded by dark ever green trees. The party is still in full swing behind us. His family, friends, his wife all conversing and laughing. And he is here with me, his assistant. Pledging things and wanting things that aren’t available to us. That are forbidden.
I can see a man, kayaking in the distance. Part of me wants to up and leave, go join him. To be surrounded by the endless beauty this island provides. To forget about the fact that I am in love with my boss, with one of the biggest music sensations of our generation. That I am in love with a very married man.
This had been coming for a long time. I had been working for him for six months, and those six months were basically foreplay. We were the greatest of friends, we had everything in common, our hearts were involved. But his wasn’t for the taking, it had already been claimed. By the beautiful brunette bombshell currently patting his mother on the shoulder and laughing at their jokes. I know I would never be what his parents wanted. I wasn’t religious, I wasn’t rich, my family upbringing left a lot to be desired. I was an assistant with purple hair and a lip piercing.
Blaine places his hands gently on my shoulders. I shiver at the contact. This isn’t like the normal friendly touches we share, there is a promise for more and it flows through both of us. “I’m so in love with you, Estelle. You have no idea how much my heart is breaking right now. We can figure something out. I can leave Savannah. We can be together, we’re supposed to be together.” The end of his sentence is punctuated with a kiss on the side of my neck. Goose bumps break out over my skin.
I want so badly to turn around and fall into his embrace. These are the words my heart has been aching for for months. But I know, logically I know, that this isn’t okay. None of this is right. He can’t be saying these things, acting this way. He can’t be touching me like this. So I move away, I can feel the tension rising between us. I still haven’t responded and I know he’s waiting. His generally humourous personality laying dormant as he pours his heart out to me. He’s a musician, a song writer, so he is naturally poetic. But, I can’t fall for it. And I can’t be his assistant anymore. I need to end this, now, before it gets worse. Before I do something stupid and the press finds out and destroys him. Or worse, his wife finds out. She may not be a great human being, but she is a person and she has feelings and I won’t be the one to shred them.
“No, Blaine.” I say simply, finally turning around to face him. His dark brown eyes are glistening and I know my words are going to hurt him, but I can’t back down. I have to do the right thing. His lips are pinched, cheeks becoming flushed. I feel so bad to be the source of his pain. “I quit.”
“What? No. You can’t quit, Estelle. I need you. Just, forget I said anything okay? We can go back to being friends, we’ll pretend this never happened. I can’t lose you as…as this, and my assistant as well.” He rambles, reaching out to me. I step back.
I shake my head, my own eyes beginning to sting with tears. “It’s over, B. We can’t go back to the way things were. It isn’t fair to a whole lot of people. Your wife…” I stumble over my words, a sob working it’s way up my throat. I swallow it down so I can get the rest of this out. “Your wife deserves better. You aren’t this person, you don’t cheat. You have gotten so far in your career, in your life…I won’t be the reason it all crashes down.” I desperately want to tell him I love him too, to take back my words and find a way to make this plausible. But I don’t, I can’t add that hurt onto him as well.
A tear trickles down his cheek and I want to wipe it away. But I just smile, a cracked, broken smile, but a smile none the less. “You will always be my best friend, I wish you the best in life. I’ll be listening to every album, you can bet on that.”
I start to walk away, heading towards my car. My purse and jacket already stowed away there.
“Es! Please, just wait!” I hear him call out to me, causing heads to turn my way. I want to stop, I do. But I don’t. I keep walking, I walk on autopilot until I’m in my car, heading towards home. It isn’t until I’m inside my dank apartment that I finally let it all go. I collapse on my bed, letting the tears soak my pillow. Letting the sobs reverberate off the walls. I cry for myself, I cry for the situation Blaine can’t get out of, I cry because I will never love anyone the way I love him.