I find that often times writing can be similar to purging your soul. Leaking out your emotions, your feelings, your deepest desires onto the pages. It can be a way to vent, to come to terms, to leave something behind. At least to me, that’s what it is. I find when I’m happy, when I’m sad or when I have something on my mind the first thing I do is go to some form of media where I can bleed the words out, read them back, share them. However…this is an unfinished piece, one I’ve been working on for eleven years. The idea of sharing it makes my body tense, my jaw clench, but I feel that perhaps because I can’t finish it…that it shouldn’t be finished. Maybe grief is a never ending process. I’m sharing this with you all, because I poured my heart into it. This is my process, and when the time comes, I hope I can finish it. This is a lost love letter, to someone taken too young, too soon.
The event of your death was the catalyst that changed my entire world. It was the starting point for a series of things that I wish never had to happen. But, it also lead to the things that I cherish most in my life today. That may sound selfish, but…it’s the truth. I was only a child when you died. Not quite old enough to understand the circumstances or grief that accompanies death, but I tried anyway. And in that attempt, I lost my childhood. I feel like you took it with you, which you wouldn’t have wanted for me.
I don’t remember the sound of your voice. I don’t remember specific things you ever said to me. I can only conjure blurry images of your face when I think about you. Does that make me horrible? Should I remember? Because the things I do remember, are how much I miss you. How you joked around with me. How you fought adversity. You were a bright star in the history of my life, a light that shone so bright, that even in death I can still see it.
It’s been eleven long, painful ,but joyus years since you left our lives. But your impact will never be forgotten. There are times when I look at my son, and I see you. I see you everywhere. Because you are everywhere, no one and nothing can take you away from the world. You live within me, within my mother, within my sister and my brother and every other life you ever touched.
I feel like I should tell you all the things we’ve achieved in the past decade. But I know I don’t need to. You see it. You are there guiding us…