So, I will be completely honest with you guys out there, I have horrible stage fright when it comes to showing my work to other people. Starting this blog with Collins was a huge step for us as writers and for me personally. I’ve always been a writer. Since I could hold a pen, I’ve been creating. In my life I’ve finished quite a few works that have never seen the light of day and probably never will. But, I’ve been playing with this idea separate from my work with Collins that has been itching to get out. It’s influenced by something that was pretty prevalent in my life for a long time, musicians. My father is a musician, performing in a band most of my life. My uncle is a song writer, etc. Now, I am a closet romance fan. Not the harlequin romance that your grandma read, no, I love true to life love stories. Stories that over come odds and allow people to feel. That’s what interests me. So…I wrote one. Well, a piece of one. I’m here to show it to you guys so you can see where I am coming from, what I love. Enjoy.
“We can’t do this.”
“I know…I know but I want to. I need to.”
I shake my head. The beauty of the location were at, paling in comparsion to the beauty I see in him. “You know it isn’t possible, B.” It pains me to say, but I won’t be that girl. I won’t be the one to step into a relationship and shatter it, despite my personal feelings. Do I care about him? Yes. Do I want him? Yes. But not this way, never this way.
He sighs, running his hands through his hair, leaving it in a disarray. “The fact that my life has even come to this, fucking kills me.”
I smile sadly, turning away from him to stare out at the ocean view, surrounded by dark ever green trees. The party is still in full swing behind us. His family, friends, his wife all conversing and laughing. And he is here with me, his assistant. Pledging things and wanting things that aren’t available to us. That are forbidden.
I can see a man, kayaking in the distance. Part of me wants to up and leave, go join him. To be surrounded by the endless beauty this island provides. To forget about the fact that I am in love with my boss, with one of the biggest music sensations of our generation. That I am in love with a very married man.
This had been coming for a long time. I had been working for him for six months, and those six months were basically foreplay. We were the greatest of friends, we had everything in common, our hearts were involved. But his wasn’t for the taking, it had already been claimed. By the beautiful brunette bombshell currently patting his mother on the shoulder and laughing at their jokes. I know I would never be what his parents wanted. I wasn’t religious, I wasn’t rich, my family upbringing left a lot to be desired. I was an assistant with purple hair and a lip piercing.
Blaine places his hands gently on my shoulders. I shiver at the contact. This isn’t like the normal friendly touches we share, there is a promise for more and it flows through both of us. “I’m so in love with you, Estelle. You have no idea how much my heart is breaking right now. We can figure something out. I can leave Savannah. We can be together, we’re supposed to be together.” The end of his sentence is punctuated with a kiss on the side of my neck. Goose bumps break out over my skin.
I want so badly to turn around and fall into his embrace. These are the words my heart has been aching for for months. But I know, logically I know, that this isn’t okay. None of this is right. He can’t be saying these things, acting this way. He can’t be touching me like this. So I move away, I can feel the tension rising between us. I still haven’t responded and I know he’s waiting. His generally humourous personality laying dormant as he pours his heart out to me. He’s a musician, a song writer, so he is naturally poetic. But, I can’t fall for it. And I can’t be his assistant anymore. I need to end this, now, before it gets worse. Before I do something stupid and the press finds out and destroys him. Or worse, his wife finds out. She may not be a great human being, but she is a person and she has feelings and I won’t be the one to shred them.
“No, Blaine.” I say simply, finally turning around to face him. His dark brown eyes are glistening and I know my words are going to hurt him, but I can’t back down. I have to do the right thing. His lips are pinched, cheeks becoming flushed. I feel so bad to be the source of his pain. “I quit.”
“What? No. You can’t quit, Estelle. I need you. Just, forget I said anything okay? We can go back to being friends, we’ll pretend this never happened. I can’t lose you as…as this, and my assistant as well.” He rambles, reaching out to me. I step back.
I shake my head, my own eyes beginning to sting with tears. “It’s over, B. We can’t go back to the way things were. It isn’t fair to a whole lot of people. Your wife…” I stumble over my words, a sob working it’s way up my throat. I swallow it down so I can get the rest of this out. “Your wife deserves better. You aren’t this person, you don’t cheat. You have gotten so far in your career, in your life…I won’t be the reason it all crashes down.” I desperately want to tell him I love him too, to take back my words and find a way to make this plausible. But I don’t, I can’t add that hurt onto him as well.
A tear trickles down his cheek and I want to wipe it away. But I just smile, a cracked, broken smile, but a smile none the less. “You will always be my best friend, I wish you the best in life. I’ll be listening to every album, you can bet on that.”
I start to walk away, heading towards my car. My purse and jacket already stowed away there.
“Es! Please, just wait!” I hear him call out to me, causing heads to turn my way. I want to stop, I do. But I don’t. I keep walking, I walk on autopilot until I’m in my car, heading towards home. It isn’t until I’m inside my dank apartment that I finally let it all go. I collapse on my bed, letting the tears soak my pillow. Letting the sobs reverberate off the walls. I cry for myself, I cry for the situation Blaine can’t get out of, I cry because I will never love anyone the way I love him.