The world around me spins and spins, the images blurring and rushing past. The rain pelts my skin, my arms stretched out beside me taking the harsh blasts. My lashes are drenched to the point I can barely get them open.
But I love it, this feeling. I wonder if this is what he had felt like.
The sharp blades of grass between my toes, sticking to my soles. The dizzying drop of my stomach as I push myself faster and faster. Always faster. Until my body can no longer handle the movement and crashes me to the ground. My heart beating like a drum in my chest, my lungs gasping for much needed breath. The laughter that is so close to a sob you could never distinguish the difference.
Once I’ve finally got my bearings…that’s when it all comes back. The heavy sadness that fills my days. The crippling pain that takes over my whole being. Now the sobs are real as my heart breaks. I tilt my head up to the sky, leaving my eyes open this time. The water washing away the tears that I can’t stop.
His face comes to mind and I hang my head. His beautiful, smiling face as he ran around this very park, doing the very thing that I was. Only on a bright sunny day, ice cream smears on his cheeks. His cherub curls bouncing wildly around him as he begged me to join him. The feeling of annoyance I got as another text from work came in, distracting me.
The sharp sound of bone crunching against something hard. My utter fear as I looked up from the revolting device in my hand, the scream that ripped from my throat as I realized what had just transpired.
I had failed my little boy, who was now laying in a pool of his own blood, his skull fractured by the rock he had tripped into.
And it was all my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. I was busy, too busy for my own son. Now he was gone.
And all I had left was the spinning. The never ending pirouettes.
I start the cycle over again.