I have been known to write down random jumbled thoughts, sometimes they have some kind of structure, sometimes I post them and sometimes I don’t. I was going through some of my old writings today and I found this piece I wrote three years ago that still holds such relevance to my life now that I have decided to share it with you all.
if you had asked me a few years ago if I thought that this is where I would be at this point, I would have called you crazy. I also know that almost everyone has had that feeling. It is simply part of growing up, but nonetheless, it still amazes me. Only a few years ago I was pretty convinced I would be married and living with my childhood sweetheart, I would be going to school for photography and I would have met Nikki Sixx by now. (Which by the way, this is totally still on my list of things to do.) However, that is not where I am now. That is a beautiful thing, though. It proves that things are ever changing and humans change and grow as they gain new knowledge and are subjected to new situations. To me that is proof of evolution. Our dreams and goals change, though we never lose the essence of what it is to have one. We are never given what we want, but what we need. Even if that seems like the wrong thing at that time. We spend our entire lives searching for something, hoping for a future full of all the things we want and desire, but the harsh and beautiful reality of it is that we have no control over the improbable and unpredictable. There comes a point in time when we must let go of that insabitable hungry ego and live our lives in the present and stop obsessing about what it is that we want later. Because when later comes and we achieve or aquire those things…we will still be unsatisfied as we will soon want something else. Hence why my life is where it is now. I finally decided I had to let go. This wasn’t just to material objects and the desire to better and further my ego. It was also in situations and with my realtionships with others. If something does not effect your quality of life, does it matter? Does petty drama have an impact on your life? When you react, is it you or an egoic part of yourself? I realized that while I do have control over my life and the ability to seperate myself from a heavy pain body and ego, I am also part of something bigger. There is a path we all follow, if we realize it or not. Where I may have lost some friends, I gained new ones. Where I thought I had picked the job I wanted to do most, I found something better. I might have wanted to go to school for photography, until I realized I simply didn’t. I may have lost love, but I gained it in new places. I have found love for all humans, all situations and I continue to seek guidance and knowledge. Weather it be from people I know or the thoughts of others, I am nearly at peace. It isn’t as simple as it may seem, it takes practice and time, but when I see it show through and when it comes into play in my life…I smile at the pure beauty of it. I do not regret nor have any sadness about where I am in my life, nor do I miss my old desires. Life is beautiful and complex and I intended to explore it as much as I can